Baby Boarding School?

I can't begin to describe the copious amounts of stress I am under right now, that I actually feel like I'm going to break. To add the cherry on top, Davis is none other than a awful, very bad, no good, terrible two year old. Is there a cure for this? Can we hypnotize him? Baby Prozac? Something? Anything? Being around a two year old is like living with someone that is bipolar. One minute, he totally loves me, and the next, he's in the midst of the 100th tantrum. By the way, it's only 9am at this point. (Right now, he's kicking the walls. I just want to fill you in on every aspect right now. Found a cure, yet?)

Take this morning for example. I had finally made it to the gym on time for the first day this week, for a class. (It's been one of those weeks with Davis) To help him with the transition of everything that has been going on, he is beyond attached to his Pooh Bear right now. While this is very cute, it makes things difficult when we are out in public. I was letting him bring the bear into the kids area the first few days, to help him get used to being in there. I noticed that when he has the bear, he wasn't wanting to play with anyone or anything else in there, so I cut that off. Today he decided to show me how upset he was about this. I was talking to someone outside of the kids area, and she was saying how cute Davis is. Ha! If only you knew lady. Cute on the outside, flames on the inside. Out of left field, SMACK! Right across my face. I was so in shock that I had no clue what to do. Put him in time out in the middle of the gym? I didn't feel like making an even bigger scene than we already had. I told him no, had a talk with him, and still didn't know what to do. I'm sure some of you are thinking that I should have spanked him. Me wanting to spank Davis is crossing my mind more and more as the minutes go on. But we don't spank. I have my reasons, but that's another discussion. All I wanted to do was go to the sauna and just cry. I feel defeated. Defeated by a tiny two year old. I'm at a loss and am praying that I can figure out something to do with this child before things get worse. Please say they get better!

Seemingly overnight, my son has transformed from a kid we could take anywhere—WOULD take anywhere thanks to his perfect restaurant behavior—into a child that can’t handle sitting in a shopping cart for five minutes while in Target because all he wants to do is squirm and run around and knock things over.


It’s a tough stage. It’s a stage that makes you doubt yourself as a parent. It pushes you far beyond your patience limit and then back again. It’s a stage where one parent is pitted against the other at times, just desperately trying to find a way to make it through our cheeseburgers on a Friday night out in public.

Time-outs work pretty well, but my husband and I are still frazzled and on-edge after a particularly difficult tantrum session. But, thankfully, we’ve found a way to cope—we laugh. We joke that living with our son is like living with a very tiny, very loud, very destructive drunk person–emotionally unstable, extreme mood swings, wobbly gait, copious amounts of drool, liquids spilled on the carpet and a predilection for running around naked. It’s like living with a college student.

So, here’s hoping that this challenging stage passes soon—although it’s sort of the-devil-you-know-versus-the-devil-you-don’t. Because I’ll probably look back at this post later on in life, after he’s totaled our car or something similar, and wish time-outs still worked.

But, I’d love to hear any other suggestions or comments—even if it’s just to express shared misery!

And remember, you may want to share something fast, or googling baby boarding school is in my near future.

Can I Throw In The White Flag?

I know you've been there. You've had those days. Yes, THOSE DAYS! Where it is only about 9 am and you are already praying and wishing for the day to be over. Your perfect little angel has sprouted horns that have fire flaming off the tips. What? Just mine? No, no. I'm not fooled. You're a mom. You've been there. 10am comes and is ever so slowly inching it's way to...10:01. You sit and wonder why? Or, I am never having children again! Can it please be, 'take your screaming baby to work' tomorrow so mama can have a break? Of all jobs in the world, this job should have a hot line! Seriously! Someone (besides your husband, because Lord knows they usually get the short end of the stick, a lot) that you can call and scream at. Just pick up the phone and yell something random like, "Come pick up this screaming child that is flinging himself all over the carpet and making me want to scream in a pillow." Thank you. And then hang up. Okay, that felt a little better now. Now back to wailing child whose face is now fire engine red.

Ahhh...yes. Those days. What would motherhood be without them. A lot less stressful and a whole heck of a lot quieter that's for sure. Something was implanted in these children's brains saying, "Once all is calm and quiet, keep your mom on her toes. She loves to play guessing games. Show her how strong your pipes are and scream away. It's not like she has good hearing or anything!" If only I could invent a screaming translator, I'd be golden!

Motherhood is so like playing a guessing game and will forever keep me on my toes. Just when I get used to one thing, something else new pops up and says, 'HEY THERE!' But don't you worry. I have my shield, armor, my gear on and I'm ready to play this round. Game on!!

No, no. I wasn't really going to throw in the towel on motherhood. Just a figure of speech. The majority of the time, Davis is great. And when Davis is bad, well like I've said before, he can be a demon spawn. Then I go look at that sweet little angelic face (while he's sleeping) and wonder how in the world I ever got mad or upset with him. You know how it is. In the morning, you wake up, ready to battle another day. Laying in bed you wonder if you are going to awake the demon, or the angel. Either way, you have your gear on just in case!

Fear of Flying

Okay, so I don't have a fear of flying, but tomorrow is THE BIG DAY! Tomorrow we fly to Colorado, which means the first time that we have flown with Davis. I am bracing myself. I am hoping, wishing, and praying that if he did so good on our trip to Tulsa, then surely he can handle a two hour plane ride. Right?!? I do know that plane rides are totally different than being in a car. You can't exactly pull the plane over for a break and to stretch your legs. Let the baby air it lungs out so to speak.

So, here are some of my thoughts:

-take over the intercom before the flight attendant makes her announcement, and explain we have a potentially angry baby on board. The exits are at the front and rear of the plane, so please feel free to exit now.

-make sure everyone knows that they can jump out at any time and will be given a parachute. Good luck!

-buy innocent bystanders a shot for having to deal with said screaming baby

-buy myself a shot. Hell, bring a flask ON the plane.

-give Davis Benadryl and cross your fingers it works

-reward the good Samaritans with gift cards and tell them they passed the test

-sing at the top of your lungs. The baby likes it...shouldn't everyone else?

-skip up and down the aisle with baby, saying he has to be in constant motion or he'll go ape crazy!

Okay, okay. These were just thoughts. I may try all of them, you just never know. Since I've never flown, what do you think? Suggestions? I do know that I will be giving Davis a bottle regardless of what time it is when we are taking off. I've heard that it helps with the ear popping. As far as Benadryl, I think I am afraid it may have the opposite effect of him and make him crazy. My luck, I would give it to him and he would be hyper, or better yet, so tired but he can't sleep leaving him cranky. For the most part, I think he'll be fine. I know our biggest concern is him sitting in our lap. He hates sitting in our lap for longer periods of time. Maybe five minutes being the long period! I am praying to all the Gods out there! Let this go smoooothly. Honestly, I was more nervous about the six hour car trip, and that went great for the most part. I think I can, I think I can!

But whatever happens, I want to sit next to THIS GUY!! (www.funnycomments.com)

Where Do I FIT In?

First off, I have to say that Davis and I are back from Tulsa! Yesterday was THE LONGEST I have ever driven, not only by myself, but with a baby. I will be waiting for my award in the mail. Thanks.

So while in Tulsa, I decided to attempt to try and find a new pair of shorts. *Note: Flo was visiting and I was so super hormonal. This does not help when trying to shop. Especially for shorts. I should have just tried on bed sheets.* It was a cranky day in the hotel and Davis decided he just wasn't going to sleep. This put us at not going to the aquarium that day. Good times. I was already at my wits end and looking for a number so that I could call in sick. Oh, wait! Silly me. At that moment when steam was flying out of my ears, a shining halo appeared over Michael's head as he told me to go shopping. Gasp! I'm outta here suckers! If only it were that simple.

The same stores I used to shop in just aren't the same anymore. I'm old. I'm an old lady now. And I need to wear ear plugs in some of these stores. Seriously, do I sound like my mother or what? How did I used to like this?!? So I go into my usual stores to try and find shorts. Have you ever noticed that what you are looking for, you can't ever find at the time, but find 100,000 other things you would absolutely love! I could have bought so many cute and adorable summer dresses, but that was not why I went. Uggg! So I am at Dillard's. No go. NY & Co I always have the best luck in. But as of right this second, this very moment, I am not loving the 'boyfriend shorts' and the Bermuda shorts (again?!?) The shorts down to the knees look that are tight bring me back to my New Kids On The Block days when I cut my jeans to make shorts. Neon scrunchy, anyone? The cargo shorts that are that length make me feel like I should be stuffing them with granola bars or something. Personal shopper needed, please!

So, I keep on trucking. I am bloated. Shorts are a bad idea. I can do this!! I go to stores like Charlotte Russe and find some cute shorts that are of course a price I can afford. Oh praise Jesus, they fit!! No, wait. My freaking ass is hanging out practically. This screams beyond inappropriate mom clothes. Being the brilliant person that I am, I decide to try on a swim suit instead. I am smart like that. Still at Charlotte Russe, they had some really cute ones that were on sale. A few years ago, I probably would have worn one of these suits, but hell to the no not today. Who can fit into these bottoms? I swear, only a teenager with the body of a 12 year old boy that is as straight as an arrow. The bottoms only cover one inch....um..but the pattern is cute!

I am walking around the mall having a total pity party for myself. I was oh so tired and just flat out exhausted. When did I get old? Why won't Davis stop crying today? Why is my life so awful? (haha, just kidding!) Then I felt it. Oh my Lord, I am starting to tear up. At the mall. Thankfully I didn't start crying. I decide to suck it up and try one more store. I go to Macy's where I can always find something. I got my last pair of shorts there so surely they will have something for me. Something that fits, style I like, and my butt isn't hanging out. *I still have a butt-thigh, but it's a little different post baby. You know what I'm sayin!*

I get back to the hotel, not only empty handed, but crying now. Man, don't you just love hormones!? Aren't they just a ball of fire fun!? Seriously, doesn't anyone besides me have this problem? You want to shop, but where to go? Certain departments you can fit, but it's too young. Other departments are way too big. Today I am going to defeat those shorts. I will find you and hunt you down.

If only everyday could be a toga party!


**What is a butt-thigh? Your butt is flat is blends into your thigh!

Oh S*@t!

When I say Oh Sh*#!, I literally mean that to it's full terms! So we are still in Tulsa and things are actually going quite well. Davis has been so good and patient. We have been in and out, and in and out of the car some more. He is hanging in there like a champ.

So yesterday, Davis and I went to see my best friend that lives not too far from where we are staying. (Fine, it's over two hours, but I really wanted to see her!) We had fun, though. We had planned to take Davis to a splash pad that is close to her house, but it looked like rain. Hmm....what to do. Ahhh yes, Natural History Museum. Okay, I can honestly tell you I have never been to a natural history museum in my life (doesn't interest me, got to be honest) but this place was actually pretty amazing. It was like a (very) mini version of the Smithsonian with the dinosaurs everywhere. Davis slept through everything. Guess he is like his mom and doesn't like the stuff already. (Poor kid hadn't slept all day and was so fussy. Him sleeping was the plan)

Now I think I know why the little guy wasn't sleeping and was so fussy. Oh Lord have mercy. I had the worst mom moment to date. Like, I want to crawl in a hole and die moment. Well, apparently Davis had explosive, erupting diarrhea and I did not know this. Maybe him whining in the backseat should have been an indication, but I thought he was just wet, and decided to keep on going and get back to the hotel. You're wearing a 12 hour nighttime diaper, little man. You got this! Umm, not so much. We get back to the hotel and I go to get Davis out of the car seat. All is normal. Not until we get on the elevator did I notice what happened. I switched hips to hold Davis and felt the warm nasty mush all over my arm. Oh good Jesus, kid. What did you eat?!? It is coming out of his clothes and all over his WHITE socks. Of course he is wearing all white, right? Well go figure there are about 20 soccer teams staying at the hotel and we aren't the only ones on it. This very sweet lady is talking to me and Davis. Oh he's so cute. I have a 9 month old granddaughter. I am not listening to a word she is saying. All I can think is I so hope she doesn't see what I am trying to cover. Surely she smells something. And she's still talking. Oh...please don't touch him! You may find a not so pleasant gift. If she noticed, she was so kind and didn't make a face. Or vomit on the elevator. Even get off on an earlier floor. Again, what did you eat kid? Wow! I don't know how I didn't notice when I got him out of the car, but obviously I had to get him inside somehow. I'm a mom, what do you expect. Surely this has happened to someone else?! Maybe? Okay, I'll take the trophy for this one. Just another day in the life of mom, right? Always an adventure! :)

We took a trip to the zoo today and had so much fun. I think Davis looooved it!


My monkeys :)
My #1 monkey! He's getting too big!!
Have a great weekend, everyone!

From Caviar to Cheerios

Imagine your life is now a book. In 100 words, write the blurb for it. (It’s what people will read on the back cover.


From caviar to cheerios, this twenty-something wanna be writer, former esthetician, and first time mom, juggles the ever changing life of her nine month old son, Davis. Still strutting her stuff on the weekends, as she tries to bring sexy back, she makes life fun while dancing around the house in her pj's to make her son laugh along with her. Who said colic couldn't be fun!?! Married to her best friend, he often wonders how lucky he got when he chose this prized pearl. No day would be complete without a little spit up, drool, and pee shooting across the room. This is her life. Brace yourself.

Things I Used To Do Before The Little Monkey.....

Things I Used to Do Before I Had Children (without Giving Them a Second Thought)
1) Look longingly at babies

2) Cuss like a sailor-ette

3) Go shopping for myself quite often

4) Have nicely painted nails

5) Wear dry clean only clothing

6) Stay up past midnight (to have fun with friends before diaper land)

7) Have sex at night

8) Long, hot bubble baths!!!

9) Did I mention have sex, period?

10) Look at the screaming babies mother in the grocery store, thinking, please make it stop!

11) Have spontaneous outings

12) Didn't think about keeping a clean house all the time! (I mean, yes I cleaned...but now you can't just let it go! UG)

13) Sleep in if I want to.

14) Have just "me" time

15) Laugh a lot less. Being a parent is just too much fun!!

Knowing now I wouldn't trade this for the world!!! What are your "use to dos?"

Desperately Seeking Mommies!

So, today was perfect. Weather: Check. Michael off and home with us: Check. Davis in a good mood: Check, check. So, what shall we do today? Picnic? Yes, please. We pack up our picnic basket, (yes, we have an old school picnic basket. Don't hate.) and head to the park for some rays and relaxation. My husband made the lunch today, so I knew it had to be delicious. (I am blessed with a gifted husband in the kitchen. Maybe I should rent him out)

Delicious salad, homemade tortilla chips, yummmy sandwiches, and a little vino. Yes, ma'am. You know this! Davis absolutely loves being outside. If I could, I would put his crib in the backyard. I don't think he has ever been in a bad mood outside!
As Davis started looking at all of the other people playing, of course we had to go join in. Then we get this look, begging us to hurry and finish our food. Take me to play now, please! As we are all on the swings, this really nice family starts making small talk with us. These people seem so nice and normal. Oh, they have a son Davis' age! This is so great!! New friend. You know how it is. Sadly, in my head, I'm thinking how excited I am that I am meeting someone new. Maybe we can gets the kids together for a playdate soon. Making new mommy friends can be so hard! Almost impossible it seems. Even if you're in a mom's group, or involved in things in your area, maybe you don't "click" with anyone. Maybe they talk too much. Maybe they don't talk at all. Or you have absolutely nothing in common.


So, maybe I should write a mom ad. Desperately Seeking Mommies. In search of: Someone relatively close to my age. Lives near! Has children preferably close to my son. Likes going to parks, being outdoors, and still can dump the kids off with the hubby and grab a glass of wine from time to time and have girl talk. Only in a perfect world...or a crazy world...would I actually do this. I have friends that I can talk to, friends that have children. But not many that have the same thoughts of raising children, can honestly share your issues with, especially without getting ridiculed from others and what they do is right or better.


Well, what did happen to that really nice family that we met at the park? Come to find out they didn't even live in our area. Wouldn't it happen that way! So, Davis and I kept swinging and having a good ol time. Maybe another day and another time. Until then, I'll keep writing my fictitious want ad.

Step Into The Ring!

Being a mom isn't always easy. Lord, sometimes it's not even fun. You know those days. And sometimes, you just need to vent or need support from people and it's not always that simple. That's where the judgement can set in. You know you're guilty of it, too. What mom doesn't want to raise smart, healthy, independent children? It can be hard not to compare your child to the next, and get criticism back in return. Oh, your child isn't crawling yet? Your child isn't saying your name yet? Umm...no. Why are we so hard on each other when we really need the pat on the back every once in a while?

So you don't do everything the same as your mommy friend. Thank goodness for that or we would be living in a pretty boring 'Stepford Wives' kind of world.

If you're like me, you probably bought a ton of books while you were pregnant, trying to figure everything out. For anyone who is considering the same, let me sum it up for you a bit:
Sleeping with your baby is good. Sleeping with you baby is bad.
Schedules, yes. Schedules, no.
Lay them on their stomachs. Lay them on their backs.
Bottle. Breast.
Cloth diaper. Disposable diaper.
Wean. Don't wean.
Toilet train. Don't toilet train.
Pick them up when they cry. Never pick up a crying baby.
Public school. Home school. Montessori school.
Competitive sports are good. Competitive sports are bad.
Fluoride. No fluoride.
Vaccines. No vaccines.
You're Welcome.
Moms get so fired up about these issues you would think you are in a political debate. Sometimes you don't even ask opinions and you get their unsolicited advice. Even from people you don't know. Try ordering a coffee while you're pregnant and don't think you won't be getting any strange looks. Not doing a keg stand over here, people!
So what do you do? Suck it up! Grow thick skin! Absolutely nothing and brush it off. Let you take care of you, while I take care of me.
Pretty soon our topics are going to expand a lot more, including ones that don't include baby. Your child telling you they hate you. (Not looking forward to that one) Slamming of the doors. (Maybe I should take them off) And of course, the rolling of the eyes. (I invented that. They can't do that)
Time to take the judgement in stride or we'll never survive the mommy-hood ride.